Expectations vs. Reality (Motherhood Edition)

"Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." - Proverbs 19:21 ESV

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My beautiful baby girl was born on July 7, 2017.

Mackenzly Ray Maasen.

Weighing in at 7 pounds 13 ounces and measuring 20.5 inches long, little did I know, this beautiful baby of mine was about to become one of God's greatest lessons on selflessness, patience, and dealing with unmet expectations.

All throughout my pregnancy, I had the biggest expectations for what my delivery would be like, what my little girl would be like, and what my life would be like after this amazing gift came into our world. And needless to say, dealing with all of my expectations being turned upside down was something I never expected to have to deal with as a new mom.

If you asked me while I was pregnant, you would have heard me say that I planned to give birth naturally. That I planned to breastfeed for 1 year with few to no issues -- and if there were any issues, they would be easily resolved based on the information I had gathered at my breastfeeding class. That I planned to have my child sleeping in her crib in her room no later than her turning 1 month old, and she would only be sleeping in her pack-and-play in our room before that. That I had read books on how to combat colic and knew I wouldn't have to worry about dealing with that with my child. That after having watched so many children in my lifetime, I expected to have a beautiful happy little girl that only cried when the typical issues arose (hungry, tired, dirty diaper, missing mommy, etc.).

Well.. this was no where near how things played out for us.

My labor began at 12:30 am on Friday, July 7th with extremely bad back labor. Honestly, I wouldn't have really known what was going on or that I even needed to go to the hospital if I hadn't called my mom at 5:30 am after not sleeping all night. I just thought I was having really bad back pain from doing a little too much the day before -- I mean, I did try every old wives tale in the book trying to get this little girl to come out of me.

But after hearing my complaints, my mom immediately told me to "go to the hospital now".

Two hours into laboring at the hospital, I just couldn't handle the back labor anymore. It literally felt like my daughter was ripping my spine in two. That coupled with the pain I had expected to feel in my abdomen, I felt like my body was against me and I gave into having an epidural, something I hadn't expected to need or want.

Two unmet expectations right there from the get go.. back labor that I never expected to experience or even knew anything about and an epidural that I never expected to want to get.

After my beautiful daughter was born, I instantly tried latching her to breastfeed, and though she latched what seemed like perfectly, there was quite a bit of pain that just continued to get worse over the next two days in the hospital to the point of getting pretty bad blisters on my nipples.

OUCH!

I didn't know what was going on because I had expected things to go so smoothly after my breastfeeding class. I decided to try attending some breastfeeding clinics and we met with a lactation consultant that everyone referred me to and told me was a genius of the trade. We even got her lip and tongue tie lasered, and spent 4 weeks stretching her tongue and lip every 3-4 hours around the clock (the most horrendous experience I have ever had to face). Nothing seemed to be working to help her nurse more efficiently or to help with my pain.

I tried exclusively pumping when it didn't seem like breastfeeding was ever going to work, but that only heightened my anxiety and postpartum depression to a point of hating every moment of feeding my child. I began to resent her and I became angry all of the time. My husband and I were fighting constantly, not just arguing, but full out yelling and screaming at each other. I hated what we were exposing our daughter to and I hated who we were becoming.

To top it all off, my daughter's pediatrician diagnosed her with a possible dairy allergy that caused me to have to limit my diet and caused me to resent her even more.

It felt like everything was against us and that breastfeeding was going to be the worst thing that ever happened to us.

I pushed through, using a shield to try and feed my daughter this "liquid gold", but I began to dread every moment and hated having her on me. I even began to hate just hugging my husband because I hated how it made my breasts feel. I couldn't even recognize myself anymore, and I hated that I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be for my daughter.

All of these unmet expectations one after another just continually being hurled in my direction.

Breastfeeding difficulties. A tongue tie. A lip tie. A dairy allergy. No easy answers. Nothing working out as I had planned.

Well then, of course my daughter began to develop colic around two weeks old that struck every evening around 5:00pm. She would scream and cry for no reason, and there was nothing we could do to help in any way. Of everything I had read, nothing worked! She was also sleeping in my arms in the recliner most nights. And when I did finally get her to sleep by herself, it was exclusively in a swing because she couldn't stand to stop moving, even to sleep, and at that point, I just wanted to get any semblance of sleep at night, so I didn't care.

I seriously felt hopeless and like I was completely failing as a mom. I would spend the few showers I did get in crying uncontrollably and calling out for God to help me. Every time someone asked me how much I loved being a mom, I wanted to cry inside because I felt like I was lying to them by saying I loved it, which only made me feel like an even worse mom for hating the experience thus far. Nothing I had expected of this journey was actually playing out and everything just seemed to continue to get worse and worse.

But through all of this, God was at work, I just couldn't see it yet. (Or chose not to see it yet..)

Fast forward 6 weeks into motherhood...

My daughter's colic was slowly beginning to get better. She wasn't crying as much, and we were actually getting a few smiles here and there.

I had succumbed to the fact that my daughter was going to sleep in a swing indefinitely, and even though that was not what I had intended for her AT ALL, she was sleeping, mommy was sleeping, we were both happy, and that was all that mattered.

Also, I had finally given in to feeding her formula. The one decision I had NEVER intended to make, but also one of the greatest decisions we could have ever made for our family. I began to enjoy my child, Daniel and I began to fight less and less, and I began to recognize myself again for the first time since my daughter had been born. I began to love my life as a mom for the first time and I knew that no matter what anybody said, I was making the right decision that was best for me, my daughter, and our family.

God showed me so many things after those first few weeks of motherhood once I finally opened up my heart and really listened to Him...

1. Never go into any experience with SET expectations. Always go in with an open mind because God may have a different and BETTER plan for you than you may have for yourself.

2. Do what's best for you based on what God is calling you to, not what is expected of you based on what this world is telling you. I held on to my expectations mainly out of fear of what people would think about me if I didn't do things a certain way, which only caused more stress and heartache in the end.

3. Becoming a parent, literally means giving your ALL to love and care for your child. You are no longer just yourself. A piece of you resides on the outside and you must be able to place selfishness and impatience to the side in order to care for this child that God has entrusted you with.

My daughter is now a little over 3 months old (14 weeks to be exact).

She slept through the night without moving for the first time just a few weeks ago. She slept in her crib for the first time just last week. And you know what, that's okay!

She is exclusively formula fed, and couldn't be happier!

My husband and my relationship is so much better than it was those first few weeks.

I now love every moment I get to spend with my daughter and I'm so grateful that everything happened as it did.

If any part of our story had been any different, I wouldn't truly know what it feels like to rely solely on God to make it through as a mom, and I wouldn't appreciate every single smile that my daughter shares as much as I do now.

Nothing was how I expected or had planned for it to be, but in the end it was exactly as it was supposed to be. Thank you God that His plans are SO MUCH BETTER than our own!

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What about you?

What are some expectations you have had that

have not turned out how you planned?

Whether as a mom or just in general, I would love to hear about how God has flipped your own expectations on their head.

Are you glad He did?