On My Heart - My Journey To Motherhood

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths." - Proverbs 3:5-6 ESV

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

As I come upon the 30 week mark of my first pregnancy, God has really laid it on my heart to share about my experience of getting pregnant and of my pre-pregnancy challenges. Needless to say, though my pregnancy in general has been relatively easy (despite my first trimester lol), my path to get to this point has not been ideal... well at least not based on the picture I always had for this chapter in my life.

When I was entering my senior year of high school, I began a downward battle with anorexia (something I plan to share about in another post soon -- Update: See Post Here). Needless to say, for the girl that always loved to eat and never passed up on dessert, this was a chapter in my life that I never expected to find myself walking through. By the time I had overcome the bulk of my eating disorder, almost 3 years later, I had completely messed up my monthly cycle to the point that I just didn't get my period anymore. I had all sorts of tests done to make sure everything was okay, and I was told that though it looked like everything was good anatomically, I had really messed up my hormones by losing so much weight to the point of my body not knowing how to adjust and respond. I was going to have to take birth control pills in order to try and regulate my system again, but there was no guarantee that my body would ever readjust and correct itself. The main issue my doctor mentioned, that slowly began to repeat itself like a broken record over and over again in my mind, was that it would probably be hard for me to get pregnant naturally when the time did come. Not impossible, just hard, because I would more than likely have to take fertility drugs and possibly many other treatments in order to get my hormones back on track with where I needed them to be to make pregnancy possible.

As a girl that had always dreamed of my future children and had always felt like God had called me to be a mom one day, getting the news that it would now probably be really hard for me to conceive naturally when the time came hit me like a stack of bricks. No, they did not tell me it would be impossible, but in my head they minds well have because all I heard was that I would never be able to have kids naturally the way I had always imagined. That road would now be filled with frustration, possible heartache, and lots of medical bills. I was SO angry with myself for "doing this to myself," and I began to question God in some big ways. Why had I had to face that stupid eating disorder that just messed everything up? Why had God given me a heart to be a mom when He knew this was going to happen? Why was this happening to me?

I slowly began to lose myself to the POSSIBILITY of never being a mom. The thought began to consume me. I lost all sense of the purpose I had come to know God had for me, and only wanted what I thought I needed in my life. I lost all common sense when it came to the relationships that came into my life; "forgetting" to use condoms with absurd hopes that maybe the doctors were wrong, even if it that meant having a child with a guy that I didn't love and never saw a future with. I wasn't thinking about the end results (or consequences), I just wanted to be a mom and prove those doctors wrong! I began finding my worth in being a mom (or lack thereof) rather than in the amazing story God was trying to write for me. I even dated a guy longer than I probably would have otherwise because he already had three kids and I thought, "well, at least I can be a great step mom... right?" Luckily, God was so gracious and protective throughout this time in my life, even though it only made me more frustrated that it seemed the doctor's were right and I would never be able to have a baby naturally.

It wasn't until I met my now husband in 2014 that my heart began to change. I can honestly say that for the first time with Daniel, I could actually see myself being happy if it ended up just being the two of us for the rest of our lives. It was the first time I actually found peace in the possibility that I might never be a mom. I still remember the first time I brought it up in conversation with Daniel sitting at a local burger joint, letting him know that because of my past we may not be able to have kids easily, and that if we chose to do so, it may end up being a very long and complicated journey for us. With a smile on his face, Daniel told me we would figure it out. There was such peace in that statement. I knew it still may not be an easy road ahead, but I knew Daniel would stand by my side through the entire process.

Now I would be lying if I said that I just simply stopped thinking about having kids and the fact that I might not be able to, but for awhile I did rest in the fact that I knew God had a plan for us. He was showing me that every day just through what He was already doing in Daniel's and my life together.

However... after Daniel and I got married in August of 2015, it all came flooding back as I quickly began to plan out when we would start trying for a family. I told him time and time again that I wanted to start early enough so that when we found out we couldn't on our own, we would still have time to try other methods before I turned 30. He would just laugh and say that he knew I was going to get pregnant right away with no problems and not to worry about it so much. Every one constantly told me to relax and enjoy just being us for a while, but I was so afraid of what I felt like was our inevitable future that I couldn't "just relax" and let it play out. I wanted to plan it out and be prepared for when things did go wrong. I began to let the planning process consume my life now just as I had before, which only caused tension between Daniel and I. He just wanted to enjoy being us and let God have control of when we were supposed to start a family. I tried my hardest to let it go, but it continued to sit at the back of mind constantly, like a headache that wouldn't go away.

Coming up on our honeymoon to Germany in October of 2016, we discussed me going off of my pill and possibly trying to start a family while we were gone. At the reality of that, I got excited to finally start trying, but I also became very afraid as the reality of not being able to actually have kids became more real. Up until this point, it was still just something in my mind based on possibilities, but if we were to actually start trying, I was terrified that my nightmares would actually become my reality. I dove into prayer and in the end decided what was the harm in waiting a few more years. Whether out of fear or my uncertainty of not really knowing what I wanted to do, when it came time to start my next pack of pills at the beginning of October before we left for our trip, we decided I would go ahead and take them. After A LOT of prayer and sleepless nights, I decided Daniel was right. If we were meant to have kids, we would, in time, but I was not doing us any good in trying to rush God's plan for us. It truly is amazing what peace comes from just basking in God's provision and trusting in His timing. It really is always the best option.

Three days after I started my next set of birth control pills, I woke up feeling weirdly sick, like I honestly never had felt before. I felt dizzy and nauseous, but a weird nausea that settled up right under my diaphragm. I really couldn't explain how I was feeling because I had never felt this way before. I had had the flu, sinus infections, upset stomachs, food poisoning, etc., but this was completely different. When some of my work friends told me they thought I was pregnant, I was shocked. There was no way!

I instantly stopped taking my pills only 4 days after starting this new pack, and took a pregnancy test, which, of course, came back negative. I was still feeling out of whack and nauseous, so I went to the doctor a few days later, but the tests she did also showed I was not pregnant, and that I could resume taking my birth control pills as soon as I wanted to. They weren't sure what was causing my nausea and dizziness, but they said they knew it wasn't pregnancy.

At this point, we were days away from leaving for Germany. Daniel and I discussed and prayed about what we wanted to do, and decided based on the dizziness I was still feeling, some advice from good friends, and just in case these tests were false negatives in some way, I would wait until we got back from Germany to officially confirm I wasn't pregnant before making the final decision of whether or not to take my pills again. I mean, we would only be gone for 2 weeks, it would take longer than that for the pills to get out of my system anyways, and if the doctors had been right, it would take even longer than normal for me and my system.

Three weeks later, we were back from Germany, I was back at work overall feeling better, but now I had the itch to be pregnant at the back of my mind nagging me again. However, unlike my prior encounters with this itch, this time I chose to pray through those nagging thoughts and had others pray with and over me as well. The hope I had allowed myself to feel in thinking I was pregnant was so real, and so was the disappointment I was now feeling in not being pregnant. I was so mad that I had allowed myself to hope, when deep down I knew that I shouldn't have. But in praying with others, I was better able to cope with the fact that it just wasn't time for Daniel and I yet.

If there is anything I learned most throughout this journey of mine, is was that prayer is the BEST medicine, and prayer with others, your support system, is even better! Welcoming God into the midst of your problems is honestly the best thing you can do because it opens up your problems to even bigger and better solutions that ONLY God can provide.

One early morning, about 4 weeks after I had been to the doctor and received my negative pregnancy results prior to Germany, I did decide to take one last pregnancy test that I had left just for the heck of it before I started taking my birth control pills again. I had so much peace in God's timing by this point, and I knew this was the right decision for our family. I really didn't expect anything from it because I was feeling better health wise and nothing really made me think I would be pregnant, I honestly just wanted to put my mind at ease before I started taking my birth control pills again.

Needless to say, I can still feel my heart dropping as the second line appeared on that test.

I WAS PREGNANT! WHAT?! HOW COULD THAT BE?!

I got the confirmation from my doctor two -- VERY LONG -- days later that I was indeed pregnant this time, and soon after receiving those results the dizziness and nausea started back up with a vengeance. Now that I knew I was pregnant and having the EXACT SAME sick feelings that I had had before we left for Germany, I began to thank God that I had not started taking my pills again before leaving because obviously those first pregnancy tests had just been false negatives. When I went to my first OB appointment and he confirmed that I hadn't gotten pregnant until some point while we were in Germany, I became confused to say the least because that did not explain any of the symptoms I had felt before Germany, which I now knew without a doubt had been pregnancy symptoms. I researched everything that I could and asked a million questions, but nothing explained why I had experienced serious pregnancy symptoms supposedly before I was even pregnant.

Now into my third trimester, I have since chosen to leave that mystery explanation with the Lord. There are just some things that I know we are not meant to understand on this side of heaven, and I have chosen to leave this situation under that category. Rather than trying to explain the unexplainable, I have chosen to accept that God had a plan to this madness.

If I hadn't felt those original symptoms, I wouldn't have stopped taking my birth control pills, which we had chosen to keep taking. If I hadn't stopped taking my pills, I wouldn't have gotten pregnant while we were in Germany. For whatever reason, God had a plan in bringing us our baby girl when he did, and I have chosen to rejoice in that rather than question Him. I mean how can I really question Him over something I have always wanted and never thought I would be able to have.

God is so good!

Honestly, if I have learned anything throughout this experience, it has been to not question God, but rather to trust in His timing and plan, even if it is completely different from my own preferred timing and plan. The Lord does tell us, "for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:9 - ESV)". How can we question ways that are so much better and greater than ours could ever be? I may not always get the results and answers that I want in the end, like I did this time, but I have learned through this difficult process that if I just trust the Lord, He will provide according to HIS PLAN, which is far better anyways. This process has also helped me stay more calm when my anxiety does strike because I know that God's hands are all over this, there is just no way they can't be.

So if you are struggling with infertility, have had a miscarriage, want to be a mom but just don't know if and when that will ever happen for you, please know that though I may not have experienced everything that you are facing right now, I know God has a plan in it all and I hope that you will find peace and rest in HIS plan. I have questioned His plan and timing one too many times, and still continue to do so more times that I am proud to admit, but I do know that through the heart ache and the pain, God has a plan for you.

Trusting Him is the hardest thing you will ever be asked to do, but trusting Him also gives you a freedom that only He will ever be able to provide for you. Please don't prevent yourself from enjoying the life and joys God is providing for you by burrowing yourself in your pain. I did that for too long and missed out on a lot in my life. I encourage you to open up and allow God to use your pain for His glory!

My point through sharing my story was not to cause any more pain or upset anyone, but to hopefully give you a little peace in any uncertainty you are facing.

You are right where God needs and wants you right now, so rest in that and find hope.

What about you?

What has your journey looked like?

I would love to hear about it.

I would love to pray for you no matter where you are are at in your motherhood journey; no matter how painful your story is or how exciting it may be.

Do you trust and believe that you are right where God wants you to be?

I would love to help you share YOUR story!