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My All-To-Real First Pregnancy Fears

kaseymaasen
Apr 28, 2017
4 min read

Updated: Jul 23, 2019

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope." - Jeremiah 29:11 ESV

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life..."

- Matthew 6:25 ESV

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

- Philippians 4:6-7 ESV

I've shared about my fears and struggles before becoming pregnant, but I also want to take the chance to share about the all too real fears I have had to overcome and fight through during my pregnancy as well. I believe these fears are more common in every pregnant woman's mind than anyone would ever care to admit or talk about, but let's be honest here, fear is a real emotion that can overwhelm us if we allow it to.

So after I found out that I was officially pregnant back at the beginning of November, I waited for the wave of excitement and joy to overwhelm me, which it did, but there was also a significant feeling of fear that overtook me as well. A fear of telling anyone and then later having to tell them "nevermind." A fear of letting it feel too real and getting too attached. A fear of doing anything wrong that would cause me to lose my beautiful baby now growing inside me. I deal with a general anxiety disorder as well, so when I say that I began to feel significant fear and worry, I mean that I began to feel a fear that overtook me with every thought that came to my mind and every move that I made.

I immediately turned to the bible verse that had gotten me through the hardest parts of my eating disorder (which I am still planning to share about soon, promise -- Update: See Post Here), Psalm 18:1 "I love you, O Lord, my strength." This once again became my mantra as I struggled daily with not knowing if my beautiful baby was doing okay inside of me.

You see, to me I wasn't ever suppose to get pregnant that easily, in my mind something had to go wrong because this wasn't suppose to have happened in the first place. I have allowed Satan to steal so much joy from majority of my pregnancy because I just kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, which I hate myself for every day.

It wasn't until recently actually that I was able to really push those negative thoughts aside. There is no other explanation for how we got pregnant than God, nothing else logically makes any sense at all, so how could I continue to doubt He isn't all over this, seeing it through until the end. And yet, even with that truth so easily laid out in front of me, I have continued to worry and fear more than I would ever want to admit.

I fear that everything I eat is all wrong for my baby girl. I fear that every move I make is going to hurt her. I fear that I've already done something that will cause some sort of "defect" or disability when she is born or as she grows. I fear that in the little time that I have left in my pregnancy, something will go wrong and I will still lose her. I know that isn't fair, and I know God already has a plan for her and for us as her parents, but I'd be lying if I didn't say those are real fears for me.

Through prayer and support from my closest friends, luckily I have been able to combat a lot of these fears a little bit at a time. Fear happens. But it's the settling in and allowing it to consume your life that is not okay.

I've had to learn to "Give all [my] worries and cares to God, for he cares about [me]. (1 Peter 5:7 NLT)" and to "Trust in the Lord with all [my] heart, and...not lean on [my] own understanding. (Proverbs 3:5 ESV). It's okay that this pregnancy was unexpected. It's okay that the beginning of my pregnancy doesn't really make sense to me. It's even okay that I worry about my baby girl so much; as long as in the end, I find rest in the fact that God has a plan and it is far greater than any plan I could ever imagine for myself and for my little girl. I cannot change anything or control the situation no matter how much I worry about it, so why worry and why not just "let God"?

It's true that something may still happen unexpectedly, and it's true that my baby girl may have something challenging that we will have to work through, but it is also true that no matter what happens, God has got this and I choose to rest in that. God brought us to this and He will be our strength through anything else that comes our way as parents.

Why worry when worrying will never change anything? Why give up my happiness and joy to live in fear of the unknown?

I choose joy. I choose peace. I choose to trust Him and lay all my fears at His feet.